How to Write the Perfect Instagram Bio

Your Instagram/Twitter/Peach account is the heart of your personal brand, and a good bio is paramount if you want to reel in fans and portray the most perfect version of yourself to Derek on Tinder.

Of course, you’re such a multi-faceted person that summarizing who you are without people being able to see what color your aura is today is difficult. I mean, yeah, you’ll tell them you’re a Pisces, obviously, but what about the other depths of your oceanic personality? (We’ll come back to the ocean, don’t worry. I KNOW YOU LOVE IT.)

To help you craft the perfect little depiction of yourself as quickly as possible because you’re so busy planning your wanderlustful future, here’s a little guide to writing bios on the internet in a way that screams “I’m cool and loose!” without giving any undertones of your “I’ve actually got a screw loose!” reality.

 1. Reveal a flaw from the get go. 

Perfection isn’t desirable. People want to be able to really connect with you, so it’s important that you tone down how unapproachable you are for the sake of this bio. Make sure your followers and potential followers know that you’re just a normal girl who woke up like this—you have imperfections too, and they’re effing adorable.

There are a number of ways to showcase your quirky side, but I recommend taking the classic romantic comedy approach with one of the following:

“I spill things a lot.”

“I trip over things a lot.”

“I’m the clumsiest person you will ever meet.”

These are fantastic at conveying the fact that your flaws are nothing that would stop you from winning The Bachelor. Every few months, you should also feature an otherwise flawless shot of you with tiny bruises on your skin, highlighting how fragile and dainty you are. Unachievable relateability is what we’re going for here.

2. Be quirky.

You are naturally quirky, but your prescription deodorant isn’t going to land you a brand sponsorship. Here are some things you can mention in your bio to illustrate your quirkiness:

  • A child-like food you love to eat. Think: fruit snacks, Goldfish crackers, Otter Pops, your mom’s nipples—anything that screams “I have no fat potential because I look like an anorexic baby but I’m actually a baby foodie. Also I don’t eat steak because my fetus body could never hold let alone digest that and I would just throw up without even having to use a toothbrush.” Simple yet effective.
  • That you sing in the shower. This is a classic, and like defining yourself by your mental pseudo-illnesses, it will never go out of style.
  • That you eat dessert first. (This could be taken as a metaphor or not. Best case scenario, people will imagine you taking two bites of an ice cream sundae and not being able to continue because you’re laughing so much and it’s just too rich for a barely-fertilized zygote slash Brandy Melville model like yourself to finish!)

And, of course, the absolute show-stealer: being a “geek” thanks to your love of Mario Kart/Star Wars/Game of Thrones/Lord of the Rings erotica.

3. Use all lowercase letters.

You’ll want to seem educated and thoughtful when you post an Emma Watson quote on feminism some day in the future, but that day is not today. Today, we are writing your bio, and your bio should attract as many people, ideally male, as humanly possible. This, of course, means you don’t want to come across as too assertive—you’re a baby, remember? You also want to appear try-soft to females. Lowercase letters are a great way to appear cool and casual. Team them with a “good vibes” kind of phrase and you’re as golden as your “just a few highlights and the beach” ombré hair.

4. Make it clear how much you love traveling.

And not in the “Julia Roberts uncharacteristically runs away to Italy and gets fat but learns a lot about herself” kind of way. No, like you will literally fly to the Johannesburg outback to go and find yourself at the first sign of relationship stress, so YOU BETTER TREAT ME RIGHT, DEREK. You are a free effing spirit and you CANNOT be tied down. To anything. In the womb, you weren’t even attached to a placenta. You remember that vividly, because you are a baby. Here, have some fruit snacks.

5. Use 1-3 appropriate emojis.

The only appropriate emojis for a cool-baby-girl bio are as follows:

  • Earth emoji
  • Heart emoji
  • Plane emoji
  • Crystal ball emoji
  • Peace sign emoji

All other emojis are trash, and only fat girls use them.

6. Insert a quote or a *gasp* original phrase you came up with all by yourself about love/peace/kindness/anything that comes across as mystical and pseudo-deep.

It’s not certain that you’ll come across as a good person once Derek/anyone starts following you/gets to know you in real life, so it’s important to make a good first impression that will hopefully carry you through all the self-absorbed crap you’re about to fill their feeds with.

A good quote in your bio is like a permanent get out of jail free card—whatever you do, you can’t be THAT bad, because haven’t they seen that you relate to these wise words from Dumbledore?

 

 

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