I’ve decided that self-deprecation is really where I shine/come alive the most, so I’m writing WHATEVER I WANT FROM NOW ON AND I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, JOAN.
Joan doesn’t exist. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know.
Here are some ways that I sucked in 2015! I could say that this is part of an effort to throw what is terrible into the wind/the past but hahahahahaha pass the Xanax. I don’t take Xanax. Note to self: start meditating.
1. I let the patriarchy win by getting too emotional in my dealings with a business partner. It was a lot like high school except with more people threatening to sue and/or deport you. This sounds like I did some really sketchy, illegal stuff but I DIDN’T, JOAN.
2. I didn’t lose weight for my wedding. Or realize in time that I look crap in flower crowns.
3. I moved into an apartment that, three months later, became ridden with bed bugs and EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT LIKE I COULD KNOW ABOUT IT, NEVER MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO PLACE BLAME ON YOURSELF, KIDS. (I HAVE A NICE APARTMENT NOW, OK JOAN?)
4. I sold clothes to Plato’s Closet that I deeply, deeply regret selling.
5. I subscribed to Rebecca Black’s YouTube channel. Apparently she likes Coldplay. And talking about NOTHING.
6. I wrote/created so much terrible/embarrassing/why-won’t-this-ever-go-away-from-the-cached-internet content that I could just throw up in my mouth right here, right now. But I won’t give Joan the satisfaction.
7. I didn’t save any money or meet with the guy in HR who helps make sure your retirement plan isn’t too risky. So let’s hope those long-term, high-risk investments really pay off.
8. I started caring about Instagram and I still only have 885 followers. And no theme. I am a joke.
10. I didn’t become a feminist until May.
11. In July, I threw a pot of yogurt on the floor in a fit of rage.
12. I only read between 1 and 3 books. (All the way through.)
13. I didn’t separate my whites from my darks and now all my light clothing has a tinge of gray just like insert metaphor here, you lazy creativity-less monster.
14. I made way too many tweets that I later had to delete because they were terrible in some way.
15. I made all my Twitter followers hate me. Ok, some. They’re gone now. Or still bitterly following me. It’s like my childhood so I mean WHATEVER.
16. I commented on a picture of my ex-boyfriend’s wedding that someone else I followed on Instagram had posted because WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. (It was a nice comment, but still. The person blocked me because we aren’t even friends and apparently NO COMPLIMENTS WERE APPRECIATED and I hate myself.)
17. I operated at an average of about 20% productivity for the entire year.