WE ARE ALL CHRISTMAS TROLLS

Far more concerning to me than the tiny minority of people who are mad about Starbucks’ not-Christmassy-enough cups is the media’s extensive coverage of the alleged whining. Which, I might add, must only be coming from people who also like Donald Trump and just need some downtime from thinking about the homosexuals-induced end of the world. (The only reason Matt Walsh doesn’t care is because he’s out fighting said homosexuals and WHY ARE WE WASTING TIME ON CUPS WHEN THEY ARE ROAMING FREE???)

My coworkers spent part of our lunch break today discussing this nonsense, and I pointed out that it’s unlikely many people actually give a damn about this — it’s just unnecessary media frenzy. “Yeah!” someone said, “The media is just always trying to make Christians look bad!” I’m not sure he understood my point.

To my frustration, many sane and smart people have joined the pointless party by voicing their opinions on how stupid it is to get up in arms about the design of a Starbucks cup. And now I have too, because I’m writing this bloody blog post. I’m yet to see anyone actually complaining about the cups, because I guess I’m not Facebook friends with anyone who converts all their money into gold for safekeeping.

This isn’t enough of an issue for ANYONE to need to voice their opinions in frustration. I really doubt that Glenn Beck’s doomsday prepping fans are going to make a dent on Starbucks’ annual profits — in fact, media coverage will no doubt turn this into a winning PR opportunity for them.

I will say one thing of substance, just in case anyone gives a crap: If Jesus is real, he’s pissed that any Christians are moaning about the design of a company’s cup rather than the endless human suffering going on in the world right now. You guys are going to hell, for SURE.

Ugh, I can’t believe I’ve devoted 200 words to discussing the Starbucks red cups “controversy”. So here are a list of things I care about more than this:

  • What I’m going to eat while hate-watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show tonight
  • How ludicrously expensive Marmite is in America
  • When I should get my hair cut to strike a perfectly timed balance between growth and avoiding split ends
  • String theory
  • McDonalds’ discontinued Hanukah Big Mac boxes
  • Any picture of any cat
  • Any picture of any rock
  • Geologists
  • Geologists’ cats
  • Geologists’ cats’ rocks
  • Voltaire
  • What drugs my conservative coworkers might secretly be taking
  • Whether or not my cat will be ok tomorrow when he gets neutered

That’s right — Clickbait is getting neutered tomorrow. Pray for him. He requests that all prayers be sent to Xenu’s nephew, who is apparently a real up-and-comer on the Scientology scene right now.

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