How to Talk About Politics With Americans

Next year, America will elect a new president, and Barack Obama can finally become the toothpaste model he was born to be. TV debates have already begun, Chillary has started selling campaign fanny packs, and Bernie Sanders has probably just been kicking back with a brandy each night with his golden retriever. (Does Bernie have a golden retriever? Seems like it would be a good campaign move. Ref: Bobbie Newport.)

A lot of things are going on in America. Mass shootings are constantly in the news. The police force apparently hates black people. Terrorism plagues the planet. Millions of people are in prison for crimes as petty as selling marijuana. I’m not sure this election is any more important than previous elections, but it’s the first one I’ve paid attention to, so it feels like it to me. I’ve definitely been trying to understand things better than I ever have before.

However, if you thought being interested in politics meant you could freely discuss them, THINK AGAIN, NAIVE UNAMERICANS. America is like a sensitive teenager going through puberty — constantly offended for no reason, constantly unreasonable, and constantly determined to play the victim. I thought I’d help out any of my fellow internationals living in the States by giving you a few tips on discussing American politics with Americans. (If you even have the audacity to consider yourself worthy to do so, you socialist vermin.)

1. Only discuss politics with those who hold the exact same views as you.

Occasionally (and I really mean occasionally) you will meet someone you can discuss your different political ideas with reasonably. This is a rare treat on the battleground of America’s political dogma, so don’t expect it often. At all.

Typically, you’re only safe to discuss politics with those who hold identical views to you. Should you decide to make your opinions public (say, on social media), they will probably be met with friends unfollowing you on Twitter, strangers blasting you for your ignorant stupidity, and ultimately just a lot of rage that may seem confusing, but is TOTALLY VALID, OK?

So look for your political clones, and stick with them. They’ll always like your election-related posts on Facebook and you can just circle jerk your way to Trump 2016. Or whoever you support.

2. Don’t even UTTER the phrase “gun control”.

If you, like me, naively thought “gun control” meant “laws or policies (varying greatly) that regulate the manufacture, sale, transfer, possession, modification, or use of firearms”, think again. What “gun control” ACTUALLY means in America is, “willingly stripping yourself of all rights and signing your name to a contract that allows the government to bulldoze your house, kids, and life savings as part of their long-term conspiracy to put microchips in your brain and control you.”

Yep, that’s right. The second amendment, to many Americans, renders measures as simple as even waiting an hour to pick up a gun you just purchased a sign that we will soon become communist Russia, and YOU SHOULD JUST GO HOME IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT. (Be prepared to be told to “go home” a lot if you are international and disagree with an American about a political issue. And be prepared to literally go home if Donald becomes president.)

3. Be aware that calling someone a “liberal” usually means you’re calling someone Satan.

In the Christianity-dominated land of God Bless America (particularly in the south and the Mormon belt around Utah, I’m told), being a liberal basically means you are the anti-Christ. Support abortion choice? Murderer. Want everyone to have equal rights to healthcare? Thief. Considering voting for a non-religious president? Hitler. No amount of reasoning can convince Republicans that you are a good person after you make it clear that you support liberal political ideas. (WE’D BE WAY BETTER OFF IF WE STILL HAD BLACK SLAVES, OK?) So watch your back. They’ve got guns, and they’re not afraid to use them.

Oh, also “socialism” means “communism”. Just so you know.

4. Understand that every political move for change is an “agenda”.

Labeling someone else’s political views part of an “agenda’ is a great way to show them how evil and stupid they are.

Lest you think “agenda” just means “the underlying intentions or motives of a particular person or group” (a neutral phrase), know that “agenda” actually comes with a silent “sinister” before it. For example, supporting gay marriage is part of the “gay agenda” — Obama’s secret plan to turn everyone in the country homosexual so there’ll be less resistance to the microchips he’ll soon implant. Because everyone knows gay people are a bunch of sissy America-haters.

5. Don’t think facts/research/logic will get you anywhere.

Obviously politics is a messy field to play on, and no one can really know or understand everything. However, you should also understand that if you’re going to get conversationally involved with American politics, you’ll probably be met with one of two reactions from people who oppose your views:

They’ll call you ignorant, stupid, idiotic, un-American (wahey, that’s me!), a Constitution-hater, a third grader, or something to that effect.
They’ll cry “FALLACY!” faster than you can say “the government has drones now”. THESE people fall into two further camps: 1.) Those who actually understand logical fallacies, and who can help you learn something about your potentially weak understanding of an issue, and 2.) Those who read a Buzzfeed article about logical fallacies once, picked up a few of the terms, and just kind of fling them at others when it suits them.

6. God wrote the Constitution.

God loved white guys more than black people and women when he inspired the founding fathers, but he was totally just a product of his time, ok? No one is perfect. Also God is American.

7. If you have the wrong political ideas, you are unworthy of respect.

You suck. You freaking idiot.

However you decide to participate in discussions about American politics, be very careful. It’s a national sport, and there’s no referee. Unless you’re a Republican, then maybe God. But even he can only do so much when the other guys hate freedom.

This post was brought to you by The Liberal Agenda, sponsored by something which is a subsidiary of something else which is a subsidiary of a tax-exempt church which means I don’t really understand how candidates receive donations but it seems a bit weird and I don’t really understand America can’t we all just be friends?

PS. This is what happens when you try to go AGAINST socialized healthcare in my country. #Perspective